Monthly Archives: February 2012

(Wo)man up

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“What’s wrong?”

Me.

I guess I’m not as strong or as determined as I seem or think myself to be. Now I’m thinking of giving up just because something might not go according to plan. Only cowards think of stopping without even starting. And I guess that’s what I am.

But see, that’s the problem. I can’t seem to shake off this fear of things not going according to plan which is why I’m afraid of taking risks. Probably why I’m better off as a programmer than a financial analyst.

Thank you, though, for encouraging me to fight, to not five up and see if there’s still a chance. You told me that when we played Monopoly Deal, when I was about to give my turn up because I thought I didn’t have a chance to win (at least during that turn) but you pushed me to still do a turn. I wonder if that’s applicable in other areas. But that’s just my delusional mind thinking…


Fear, I will learn to conquer you eventually.

A smile

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Is a smile is a smile,

a curve of the mouth,

a movement of the muscle,

the Sun.

One for your kin, another one

for friends.

Lastly,

one

for you.

[02/13/2012]

 

I don’t think I made sense there. But nothing is, really. Or maybe we’re just blind to see it? Or maybe we’re seeing things differently? That could also be another possibility.

I Wish I Could Look You in the Eye

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Fear, I have something to tell you.

And say that, “No, Fear, I’m not letting you win this time.” I wish.

I hate how I sometimes–most of the time–let fear take over me, which is why I end up hesitating. I get afraid that people might ignore me and find me boring so I don’t really strike up a conversation, hence, end up keeping to myself and miss out on the possibility of having a new friend or enjoying the night. I fear that I may not have the capabilities to sign up for something so I don’t. It gets tiring, really, but I kind of find it hard to find a way out.

But I’m trying. I am.

This fear brings with it its friend, Self-doubt. That is probably why I doubt myself, which is bad. I know I’m supposed to trust myself, believe that I can do anything I set my eyes on. This is why I’m grateful, really, for people who believe in me when I myself don’t. It may sound conceited but I love hearing words like “You deserve it” or “You did a really great job,” or something to that effect. I think it’s a way to reassure myself that I CAN do it. So I believe them.

Just last Sunday, I was about to back out of running for officership because of stupid Fear. I was afraid that I might not be able to commit, thus, betraying the people I’m working with, who I think are really passionate about it. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do it, be a good officer and all. I was ready to give up my slot (I was tied with my other friend at 16th place and so the council had to choose on of us to be part of the final list). Then, she told me,

Are you not going to try at least? You shouldn’t let your fear get in the way. Let’s see what happens. At least, that way, you tried. Maybe they see something in you that you don’t.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t verbatim but that’s how I understood it. And that’s when I realized she was right. I’ve always been letting fear get the best of me so I’ve been losing quite a number of opportunities, letting them go right out the window. But I’m done with it. I won’t let it this time.

I know being VP is such a big responsibility which is why I’m both scared and excited to see what happens. I believe that I can juggle this, my academics, and still hang out with my friends (we’re “night people,” I’d like to think). Most of all, I believe that I can handle this responsibility. I trust God that He’ll help me. And besides, I have my other council members to help me out. I’m taking a chance at this and I’ll do my best to give it my all. Fear, you better not get in my way.