The things I write when I’m too emotional


As a kid, I wanted to be a dentist. Then, there were times when I wanted to be a cashier just because I thought the cash register was cool. My grade school yearbook says my ambition’s “to become a journalist.” Now, I’m not really sure what I want to be anymore.

Recently, things have been tough. Really tough. I don’t know if it’ll sound conceited or obnoxious but, to be really honest about it, I’m not used to getting F’s and failing in tests. High school was just different, you know? Subjects weren’t that hard. You can easily pass–ace, even–a test without studying. You have a secure group of friends whom you’ve known since you were in kindergarten. Things weren’t as complicated. Now, I just feel useless. I don’t get the lessons anymore. It’s like I do get one part of the lesson but then, things just go hazy that my mind feels like it froze. It won’t take in new information, won’t process a thing. The F’s started coming in. Sleepless nights due to studying come unrewarded because of those horrifying red marks on the paper. Hopes get crushed.

Insert problem: I think I want to shift.

Seriously. Or not. I feel like I don’t belong in my course anymore. Do I really love Math that much? I don’t know. I’m confused. There’s that part of me that says I shouldn’t give up. Actually, my parents told me that, too, as well as other people. They said that maybe I should wait until the end of this sem and see how I really feel about it. Majors, like what they said, are always the harder subjects. But I don’t know. Yes, it is hurting my pride, giving up, but I feel like if I continue with it, the things I do might be done half-heartedly. I don’t feel like doing Math anymore. I don’t think I see myself in the field of Finance in the future. Sure, banking and stocks and all that do sound interesting but…

My passions, I guess, are writing and computers. Programming. I know I’m not that good at them but at least I always get engrossed whenever I write a short piece, an article or if I do a code for AMC class, fix up our computer at home.

BSM AMF. Why did I choose that course? Hhmm.. I thought it sounded cool. And Joel said it was a nice course. So there. I didn’t really expect that I’d get in since it was an Honors Course (top 15% of ACET takers get to be accepted in it) and that I didn’t study AT ALL for ACET (and I had to worry about the Softball championship, if we could make it back to school in time) so imagine my surprise when Joel called me up and told me I got in.

My first choice, originally, was BS(M) AMC, way back when they were offering it a year before we had the chance to apply for Ateneo. I got really interested in the whole Math + Computer thing. So, yeah, I did get disappointed when I saw that it wasn’t offered already. So I chose the course that’s closest to it (yes, it’s AMF).

I don’t know. I’ve met a lot of great people already, even if it’s just been less than two years already. I have an awesome block, who, by the way, is composed of really, REALLY smart people *coughEarlPacoDomLuigiAzyKervincough*. I’ve had so much fun and experienced a lot of new things with them so I’m more confused on whether I should really shift.

Maybe this is just one of my spur-of-the-moment thing, my impulses, my “Shift Out” phase. I guess. But, there’s also that voice that’s kind of telling me that maybe, just maybe, I’m using this as an excuse to shift, that I’ve wanted to shift all along and be in another program, that it knows how this isn’t really one of my strongest passions (although, don’t get me wrong, I do love Math, but maybe, just not as much as Paco and Earl and the rest of the Imba people in our block or in AMF in general).

I don’t know. Like what I said, I’m giving it time to cool down. I’m anticipating my guidance interview, which, I hope, would help me make up my mind. Hopefully, I’ll be able to make a decision. One I could stick with all the way to the end, until March 2014, hopefully.

I don’t want to leave Ateneo. But I don’t want to be in Ateneo doing something where my heart’s not really into, as well.

Maybe, I could Minor in Creative Writing (my ‘rents have already agreed to this) but I just need to find that one Major Degree Program. Just that one.

I don’t know. I’m still looking for answers.

Sorry for being too dramatic.

I still can’t believe the things I write sometimes, especially whenever I’m too emotional. Oh, well. I found this while “clearing” my old multiply account (which I still can’t believe how I managed to write them but, at the same time, still remember why I wrote them in the first place). Sorry for the grammatical errors. Didn’t edit it, which is ironic because I was EIC for our paper before but whatever.

Clearly, a lot of things have happened. 😉


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