Isn’t it sad how you’re trying to locate your feelings, make them come out of hiding, by watching movies? You choose from your list of movie files, play it on VLC, and as it starts, hope to feel something by the time the credits roll.
Then you end up feeling nothing. That’s the sad part, isn’t it?
I thought things were going okay; I wasn’t feeling anything anymore. But that’s just it. I wasn’t feeling anything. I thought if enough time would pass, if I would try and consider other people (which is, by the way, dangerous since it might just end up as me liking the idea, not the actual person), but no. Maybe, I was almost there but, somehow, I almost always stumble back.
I’d like to believe Time will help me. So I’ll wait. If all else fails, cry.
I haven’t written a new blog entry in months but all I can say is a lot of things happened in a span of one month (or maybe even less.)
Here’s a quick rundown:
> I liked a new guy and found out that my friend liked him, too.
> Witnessed a relationship turn into shambles.
> Witnessed, and probably helped, two people build one.
> Found out the person I liked liked my other friend.
> I just survived my 1st sem of being a Senior college student. And oh, I finally put out my mini-thesis for my minor, complete with some of my original works, hardbound. 😀
Sem break is about to end in a few days. Two weeks in Bohol did me well, I think. I was able to read at least some of my books and watch movies that have been piling up in my hard drive. I was able to spend time with my family again, got to catch up with high school friends. Also, I guess it was a good breathing space. I needed this break, especially after everything that’s happened. I need it to think about things, recharge, and, maybe, heal.
I guess one of the things that I’m good at is running away, hiding. I think I have this automatic reaction to conflict wherein I withdraw. That explains why I’ve been avoiding hanging out at our org room that time when I learned they were going out. I’ve been using my school work as an excuse to avoid spending time there and being with myself, or with my other friends. I used it as an excuse to have That talk with her. Now, that school’s about to start, I’m not sure if I’m really done thinking things through. Or maybe, maybe I’m just tired of everything. Exhausted, that I don’t want to think about it anymore since I’ve been through this a lot of times already. I should’ve learned by then.
I’m not sure if I’ve arrived at my conclusion.