After everything that has happened in the past three to four years, I think I can finally say that I am happy with my decisions. If anyone would’ve told me all these things before, I probably would’ve laughed and smacked them in the head because of the craziness of it all. Not because it’s impossible, maybe, but that I think I can be too scared to take the leap sometimes.
We had our chapbook launch yesterday (if you wanna buy, it’s only P50 each hehe) and it felt so surreal to finally have had my works published. Before I decided to finally pursue my minor in Creative Writing, the one thing that troubled me the most was having people read my works (you probably know about that from my previous posts here). I’m generally the type who’d like others to think she’s okay and so having my non-fiction works, works that contain all my doubts and insecurities, being read by my close friends and even strangers scared me. Good thing I didn’t chicken out of being part of the chapbook selling. Seeing my works in print, with the pretty cover and layout made by my friends, made me proud of what I’ve accomplished. Also, being part of a really good Creative Writing batch in school helped me feel assured that I, too, can write. Now, I just hope the readers like what I came up with.
Also, one of the things that I really am proud of doing is shifting. I was a Finance major before but let’s just say that it didn’t work out for me. I admit I didn’t really study hard when I was a Math major but maybe that’s because my heart just wasn’t in it. I loved Math in high school but as the days and weeks went on, I began to realize that my heart wasn’t into it. That was when I had a crisis–is this what I really want to do with the rest of my life? Should I shift or not? Where? The questions kept popping up and that’s when I got confused, scared. I didn’t know what to do. I was too scared that I might make the wrong decision. I’d regret it if I did. Yet, even with all the weird nonsense that was beginning to swallow me up, I took the bait.
Now, one and a half years into my new course–Management Information Systems–I can safely say that I’m a lot happier now. I feel like I’ve found something I’m good at. It’s a selfish reason but I guess one also needs to feel capable and adept in order to really feel good about himself and then it feeds off of everything. My relationship with my family and friends are getting better, with me finally learning to open up, but the most important thing here is that I’m finally able to value myself. I had my fortune read a while ago (just for fun) and when I asked if it was a good decision to shift, she said that it was. “With your past course, you would only suffer and besides, your heart wasn’t in it.”
I was scared and I had a lot of questions and worries that kept me up at night, which is probably why I sort of fell into a period of depression. I was lost. Then I realized that nothing would happen to me if I didn’t take the risk. It was a big gamble but it was one that I realized I was willing to take. And I’m so glad I did.