Stubborn Love

Right when you think things are going fine, you arrive at this part of the road again. You’re in a limbo, caught between this push and pull–whether you have to keep fighting for it or not.

I think I came into this knowing you liked her yet it wasn’t until last night when I finally got a semblance of a confirmation. When I heard about it, my defenses all went up, leaving me feeling numb to all the sensations, those that hurt, right at the same time my heart began to form cracks. I didn’t want to believe it, of course, but it was the truth.

Even with this, I can’t help but still hold on. Stupid, yes, it may be but I have a feeling there’s something worth holding on to. Call it stubbornness or what have you, but I guess I’m sticking to that decision. I’ve been in this situation before. It didn’t end up well but still, I’m a masochist in a way. I like getting in a good fight, getting all battered and bruised. It makes me feel like I gave all my best. It makes me feel alive.

All I’m holding on to now are assumptions, maybe-misinterpreted actions from people around us. Also, I’m holding on to the fact that yours is a love that may not be returned. I know it is selfish for me to hope for her to try and stay with him but I can’t help it.

I can’t help but hope that you’ll let me in. Let me shower you with the love you deserve to have. We’ll sing more songs, tell more stories about each other, and enjoy the  things we both enjoy. I’d like to think we could happen. I just hope you see it, too.
P.S. I think this song pretty much sums things up.

Cinderella for a day

I just had my yearbook photo shoot today, with the make-up and all. Honestly, I was looking forward to it for two reasons:

1. It would make me feel that, finally, I’m about to graduate college this March.

2. I get to dress up and be pretty. (Sorry, I am a girl after all. haha)

I didn’t expect people to react that way. People kept complimenting me and telling me how I was pretty, beautiful, that I looked really nice. It was my first time to experience that. I admit I can be pretty insecure about my looks (and I know how looks shouldn’t really matter that much but I still can’t help it) but to day was different. Today, I really did feel I was pretty. I did believe them, although, my inability to properly respond to compliments might have appeared otherwise.

So this is how it feels–to be complimented, to be appreciated, to feel good about yourself. It felt new; it felt great.

I looked at the mirror for quite some time, trying to keep that memory and that feeling in a safety box somewhere in my brain, and stalled for a bit. Today was a good day. Finally, I went to the bathroom, washed my face, and took off my make-up. It’s back to being the plain Jane me again.

Still, I prefer it this way.