Putting yourself first

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You should start putting yourself first before others.”

My friend just told me that after I told him how my friend also likes the same guy I like (sounds familiar, don’t you think?). I guess it really struck a chord with me.

Maybe you can point it to my “big sister instinct,” one I’ve had since I was a kid, after I got a little brother. I think acquired this thing wherein I let him do the things he wants just so my mom wouldn’t get angry at me. I’m not sure, really. I just have this thing wherein I let people have their way, where I put other people’s needs and wants before mine. I encourage and “support” them to go after the things they want even if that means giving up my desire for that same thing, too.

It has happened before: I happen to like a guy then I find out my close friend likes him, too, after confiding to me her feelings about him, worries and hopes included. Maybe, that’s why nothing “good” has happened to me.

I don’t go after the things I want.

Contrary to what I’d like to believe in, I don’t really pursue things. Sure, I decided to take the leap and shift to another course even if I wasn’t sure how it’d turn out. Yet, it’s in the Big Moments that I don’t know how to do the big jump. I chicken out. It’s like there’s this internal switch that tells me it’s okay to stay in this comfortable circle. This leaves me within my own confines while I go and watch other people progress.

And I guess I’m done with it. It’s my turn to be happy.

I’m sure she would understand if I would still pursue this guy, in my own little way. She called herself a “ballsy girl,” being able to ask a guy out on a date or even maybe tell him how she really feels; this somehow riled me up. Is it called cheating if that motivated me even more to be more direct?

I’m blabbering now, am I?

Point is, I’d still continue liking him. Love is a battlefield; some win, some don’t. I’ll just continue doing my thing, in the hopes that he’ll like me, too. Wouldn’t it be funny if he chooses none of us because he still likes that other girl? 

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