I just had my yearbook photo shoot today, with the make-up and all. Honestly, I was looking forward to it for two reasons:
1. It would make me feel that, finally, I’m about to graduate college this March.
2. I get to dress up and be pretty. (Sorry, I am a girl after all. haha)
I didn’t expect people to react that way. People kept complimenting me and telling me how I was pretty, beautiful, that I looked really nice. It was my first time to experience that. I admit I can be pretty insecure about my looks (and I know how looks shouldn’t really matter that much but I still can’t help it) but to day was different. Today, I really did feel I was pretty. I did believe them, although, my inability to properly respond to compliments might have appeared otherwise.
So this is how it feels–to be complimented, to be appreciated, to feel good about yourself. It felt new; it felt great.
I looked at the mirror for quite some time, trying to keep that memory and that feeling in a safety box somewhere in my brain, and stalled for a bit. Today was a good day. Finally, I went to the bathroom, washed my face, and took off my make-up. It’s back to being the plain Jane me again.
Still, I prefer it this way.
1. I donated blood today. Fainted a few minutes right after. Good thing SpOpen Mic Night was just across the corner.
2. Ken slipped, then had part of his chin torn open when he got up. I panicked, he didn’t; I was 16, he was just 7.
3. I heard my parents have sex once. From then on, I told myself to sleep early whenever my dad’s around.
4. Your favorite color was red and after we broke up, I told myself I wouldn’t like red anymore. I still do.
5. My friends tell me they can’t imagine me being angry. I tell them, I become a sailor.
6. It was a good thing it was a Saturday when I first got my period. I woke up with my shorts soaked in blood. Then, after cleaning up, I jumped three flights of stairs. Good thing they didn’t wipe my face with the stuff.
7. I first had a crush on someone when I was in Grade 5. I’ve always imagined us kissing in some room while everyone was out. We never did.
8. Yet, I first truly fell in love when I was in 6th Grade. I fell in love with how he always told me interesting stories, how he played basketball really well, and how he smelled really nice everyday. Then, he started avoiding me. It was like a sad love song stretched out for more than 4 minutes.
One thing you should know about me is that I have serious trouble with expressing my emotions 90% of the time. And that I usually deny things, even with myself. I just don’t know how to properly express anger, or even love. Maybe because I’m used to keeping things to myself for fear of what people might think about me or that they won’t like what I’m doing. I’m not sure, really.
So now, here’s the thing.
I think I’m finally admitting that I like you. I like–maybe, love–spending time with you. I know it makes me stupid and pathetic but I like listening to your stories, of being the one you tell your problems to, even those about Her. I don’t always have the right words to say but I hope you realize that putting your feelings, your problems out there feels equally good, probably even better than having someone telling you things which could probably be out of pity or just because they feel the need to say something. Am I digressing?
So yes, I’d like to have more Starbucks “study” nights with you or even dinner. Anywhere would be good, actually, as long as you’re there. And I hope you’d consider. I’m not always good at reading signs just as how I’m not good at giving any. You told me it’s okay to give clues but I don’t think I’m that capable to do so.
So basically, I like you. And I hope you like me back.
Is a smile is a smile,
a curve of the mouth,
a movement of the muscle,
One for your kin, another one
I don’t think I made sense there. But nothing is, really. Or maybe we’re just blind to see it? Or maybe we’re seeing things differently? That could also be another possibility.
So… I got drunk last night.
What’s weird (or not) is that I can’t remember half the things I did. I only remember the last bit during the party. Everything after that, nill. My friends have been telling me all the crazy stuff I did during that “blank” period and I can’t believe I just did all those. I’m so embarrassed. I was stupid, I know.
At least now, I have something to tell my kids in the future. And something “exciting” happened in my semi-monotonous life. GAAH. I sound like I’m “justifying” what happened to me, don’t I? Crazy time.