Tag Archives: fall out boy

MIA

Standard

When I told you how I felt about you, this was the thing I feared the most–the awkwardness, that silence preceding how we would eventually drift apart. You see, that was one of the things I was thinking of, when I was having an internal debate on whether I should do it or not. In the end, I did. And now, we’re here.

In your letter, you told me how you would understand me if I would stay away from you for a while, for me to “let my feelings fade.” Then, when the feelings are gone, we can go back to being the kind of friends we were before. We’d go back to normal. I hope it was that easy, how taking some time off from each other would erase what happened (or didn’t happen) between us. But the thing is, it can’t.

There are times when I wish I didn’t tell you that I liked you. If I didn’t, maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe we wouldn’t be walking on broken glass, careful to say words that might hurt the other (or at least hint at how hurt we–or, at least, I–are). This is what the time off from each other is for, for both of us to heal. Or, for the most part, for me to heal, to move on. You already told me you only see me as your best friend. Even though I would’ve prefered you tell me how much you like me too, that’s still better than nothing. I can live with that. At least I know I hold a special place in your heart.

Even though it’s only been a few days since we last talked, I realized how being MIA won’t help us that much. We’ve opened a Pandora’s Box of some sort. We can’t go back to how we were before; we can’t undo what was done nor pretend it didn’t happen because it did. By the time we see each other again for coffee after a period of being absent from each other’s lives, I bet the feelings would come rushing in. All those weeks spent in covering up the dust left by unrequited feelings and unreturned ones will probably go to waste. In that single moment, by the time I see you and your dazzling smile, I know how my heart will beat twice its regular rhythm, like it’s been conditioned to be that way whenever you’re there. Or maybe, it won’t beat that fast but I know there will be a whisper in my ear, saying, “That’s the guy you loved.”

So, I think it’s best if we let time take the reins. No complete detachment for both of us. We can still talk to each other, ask how we’re doing, have random conversations that made me fall for you in the first place. It will be awkward at the start, I know, but isn’t that how we started as friends? Maybe, in time, the feeling will fade, you might learn to like me, or we will still be hurting for both of our loves that were unreturned. But at least we didn’t drift apart. Did I tell you how I have the bad habit of just letting my friendships fade?

People ask me what makes you different from the others. I always tell them that what we had was based on a solid friendship, one we carefully built without the prying eyes of others. It is one which grew from a common love of Fall Out Boy and all the other bands and songs we spent listening to, each song bringing up different memories from both of us. It is a relationship which was a result of seeing each other’s vulnerabilities and secrets, and accepting them without hesitations.

And I guess that’s why I won’t let this friendship fade. I’ll hold on to you, to us. You can tell me to let go (for a while) but I won’t. I choose not to. For now, let me be a friend, if that’s all I can ever be.

Stoichiometry

Standard

Once, I thought it was enough to have one thing in common–music, books, movies, food. I believed it was enough to fill the void that exists between two people.

Opposites attract.

They complement each other.

But then you realize, it isn’t. There are silences that weigh you down, heavy enough to open your eyes to make you realize that no, it takes more than that. Chemistry, maybe? I don’t know.

***

I didn’t expect that a simple car ride would end up to mean a lot to me. When that song started playing and the first few verses reminded me of Patrick, I couldn’t help but ask, “Homesick at Space camp?” No, it wasn’t that song but seeing you smile so wide, surprised that someone other than you knew about that, made me realize that I made the right guess, the right answer, to a question I didn’t know I was asking that time.

And so we talked about Fall Out Boy. Believe me, I was as surprised as you are, when I found out you liked their old songs. I didn’t really know anyone else who did aside from my high school friends. That was the band that got me closer to them and now, it’s doing the same thing by getting us closer, providing topics for our late-night chats. Do you know this one? Were you shocked when they got back from hiatus? Name your top 5 favorite FOB songs. How about this other band, do you like them? We could talk about them for days.

They say one common similarity could only take you so far and I wondered how long we could keep this up. We did, though. It’s been a month since I gave you that link and watched their concert together, we’re still here. We still keep each other up at night, way up, that I wonder how much time you have to be doing this while keeping up with school. Or who else you’re talking to. I didn’t even think we would be talking to each other, that we would have something to talk about since you seemed quiet, the basketball player everyone likes (I was right about that, to some extent) so I was surprised–and still am–that we hit it off.

***

You like sports. I like literature.

Kobe was your God. I think LeBron can beat him anytime.

You said you didn’t like Lizzie McGuire. Hilary Duff was my role model when I was an awkward teenager.

Norah was good for Barney, you told me. I think she was overbearing.

You pointed out how we seemed to not like the same things. Of course, I began to worry. How couldn’t I? It could mean how we’re not compatible. It could be a big roadblock. Yet, I realized how it was more interesting that way.  I like reading the passion in your messages whenever you try to tell me why you’re into those things, convincing me to believe it as well. I almost did, especially after you gave me 5 supporting statements as to why Kobe Bryant is the greatest NBA player of all time.

***

In a balanced chemical reaction, the relations among quantities of reactants and products typically form a ratio of positive integers.

I guess that’s also the reason why two positives repel each other; a positive and a negative attract each other. There is no one without the other. You can’t always agree on everything; you need something to spur a discussion. Ironically, those differences are the ones building the bridges between us, our similarities providing the scaffolding. I hope that as we get to know each other, we learn to accept this even more. I can’t wait to hear more about you and I can’t wait to tell you more about me. I just hope you’ll let me.

Did I tell you how watching a movie together while being in different places is part of my bucket list? Isn’t it funny how we were watching Landon cross things off Jamie’s List in “A Walk to Remember” and, in the process, you checked something off mine?