Tag Archives: friendship

MIA

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When I told you how I felt about you, this was the thing I feared the most–the awkwardness, that silence preceding how we would eventually drift apart. You see, that was one of the things I was thinking of, when I was having an internal debate on whether I should do it or not. In the end, I did. And now, we’re here.

In your letter, you told me how you would understand me if I would stay away from you for a while, for me to “let my feelings fade.” Then, when the feelings are gone, we can go back to being the kind of friends we were before. We’d go back to normal. I hope it was that easy, how taking some time off from each other would erase what happened (or didn’t happen) between us. But the thing is, it can’t.

There are times when I wish I didn’t tell you that I liked you. If I didn’t, maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe we wouldn’t be walking on broken glass, careful to say words that might hurt the other (or at least hint at how hurt we–or, at least, I–are). This is what the time off from each other is for, for both of us to heal. Or, for the most part, for me to heal, to move on. You already told me you only see me as your best friend. Even though I would’ve prefered you tell me how much you like me too, that’s still better than nothing. I can live with that. At least I know I hold a special place in your heart.

Even though it’s only been a few days since we last talked, I realized how being MIA won’t help us that much. We’ve opened a Pandora’s Box of some sort. We can’t go back to how we were before; we can’t undo what was done nor pretend it didn’t happen because it did. By the time we see each other again for coffee after a period of being absent from each other’s lives, I bet the feelings would come rushing in. All those weeks spent in covering up the dust left by unrequited feelings and unreturned ones will probably go to waste. In that single moment, by the time I see you and your dazzling smile, I know how my heart will beat twice its regular rhythm, like it’s been conditioned to be that way whenever you’re there. Or maybe, it won’t beat that fast but I know there will be a whisper in my ear, saying, “That’s the guy you loved.”

So, I think it’s best if we let time take the reins. No complete detachment for both of us. We can still talk to each other, ask how we’re doing, have random conversations that made me fall for you in the first place. It will be awkward at the start, I know, but isn’t that how we started as friends? Maybe, in time, the feeling will fade, you might learn to like me, or we will still be hurting for both of our loves that were unreturned. But at least we didn’t drift apart. Did I tell you how I have the bad habit of just letting my friendships fade?

People ask me what makes you different from the others. I always tell them that what we had was based on a solid friendship, one we carefully built without the prying eyes of others. It is one which grew from a common love of Fall Out Boy and all the other bands and songs we spent listening to, each song bringing up different memories from both of us. It is a relationship which was a result of seeing each other’s vulnerabilities and secrets, and accepting them without hesitations.

And I guess that’s why I won’t let this friendship fade. I’ll hold on to you, to us. You can tell me to let go (for a while) but I won’t. I choose not to. For now, let me be a friend, if that’s all I can ever be.

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Five is just a number

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First Year

Rec Week, Freshman year. For a freshie to see all these orgs can be quite overwhelming especially when there are a lot of interesting ones. I’ve already joined AMS, my home org, and I think I can still join a few more. Instead of signing up alone for this other org, I decide to join my block mate in SPEED because at least I know one person there. It seemed interesting, anyway.

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It was a Saturday and we were supposed to have our culminating activity in SOC to end the sem. Sadly, I woke up at around 10 and missed our 8am-call time. I tried calling our area head, Carlos, and said sorry a lot of times. I was really looking forward to it and would’ve wanted to spend time with the kids but I guess I could never win a fight against sleep.

I guess one of the reasons why I couldn’t wake up that time was the weather. Ever since I woke up, it was raining and it just got worse as the day went on. Eventually, all the Saturday classes got cancelled, warnings were given, and the waters kept rising. That was the day Typhoon Ondoy hit.

I later found out that they were in SOC for more than 5 hours; they got home at around 10pm because of the rain and therefore couldn’t really leave the area. They played cards and tried to assure each other and the kids that it will be alright. I’m not sure if missing the last area visit was a good thing or a bad thing.

Second Year

It goes without saying that Sophomore year was my lowest year; things just kept going from bad to worse. Yet, I’m glad how SPEED kept me afloat and gave me enough motivation to still swim. Instead of worrying about Accounting, I had long forms and program flows to settle as part of being SpFiesta’s co-project head, along with Steph. I know acads should’ve been the first priority but doing things for the org was what kept me going, enough to at least give me a reason to look forward to another day. At least I was waking up for something and for someone.

Finally, it was time for SpFiesta. All the kids and volunteers were all very happy from playing all the games we prepared, watching the performances, and just by spending time with each other. In the end, the project turned out to be a big success. I can’t say the same about my grades, though. Still.

Third Year

It’s already my third year in SPEED and I still haven’t been to one EvSem. I’ve been invited to attend one a lot of times but kept missing it since I always have a ticket home ready before I even know about the dates. This time though, I made sure to schedule it properly. EvSem was when I met a lot of new people. I initially thought Benjhoe was really quiet since he didn’t talk much on the way to the venue. I later found out I was wrong. Super.

Since I don’t usually hang out in the Sproom, it was a first for me to really get to talk to the other speple. For someone who doesn’t talk much, it was quite a challenge for me but it turned out really well. By the time we were back in Katip, I already knew how to play Werewolf, saved the phone numbers of male speple in my phone, and, most importantly, gained a lot of new friends.

That was also the year I finally decided to run for Spofficership. After long hours of discernment, I became the next VP for Advocacy.

Fourth Year

I thought I would be good at this since I’ve headed projects before but you’ll never know until you’re actually there, juggling different aspects of the project—and of the org—all at the same time so I was really glad that I could always count on Joni to help me, saving me from my tendencies to be disorganized or to panic easily. A student’s smile or hug, and even from the volunteers are enough reasons to remind me—us, the whole Advocacy Team—to keep doing what we do and how all the panic and stress is worth it.

Senior Year was also when I started going to the Sproom during my break, getting to know not only the welcoming atmosphere of the room (despite how it’s usually full of people and other things) but also the people inside it. I got to know their stories and I told them mine as well. I learned to go past my introversion and actually talked to everyone; I even joined Sproove. It was when I really found what it meant to be a Speple, to be in a SpFamily.

Like all families, disagreements are inevitable. It could have ended on a better note but there are things you can’t control. So we just move on and learn from them.

Fifth Year

I always have this feeling that my time as a Speple has just begun. There are always new people to get to know and talk to, official events and even random bonding moments to attend. I thought it would be a quieter year this year since most of the people I know have graduated but I was wrong (again). In fact, the list of Speple that I meet just keeps growing exponentially. There’s still a lot of things to talk about and bond over. More importantly, there’s still so much we can do for our students and for the advocacy. I haven’t even been to some of our areas but I intend to do that before this year ends.

I know the clock keeps ticking—there’s only two or so months left—but my five years in SPEED has taught me that you never really stop being a Speple. Although you may have graduated, the random kulitan and bonding moments will never stop. The advocacy will still be there and I hope that graduating and being in the real world will even drive us to do more for it.

I can only imagine how it will be to see the students again in a few years’ time and realize how much they have improved yet they remain to be the sweetest and best people to give out hugs. Those who stayed would’ve taken care of the org well and then there’d be new faces who, like me, were drawn to the org in their own way. Then, it would feel like I never left.

I wrote this article for my org’s Tumblr site (Check it out here). My org, Ateneo Special Education Society, caters to persons with special needs and we do weekly visits as well as organize various advocacy and fundraising projects for our students from partner and non-partner institutions. Looking back, I don’t know how I different I would be if I didn’t join the org. I’m going to miss it once I graduate (which is, hopefully, in two months). 😦

Breaking point

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Maybe,

I’m just tired of waiting. Not just waiting for a friend to arrive in the coffee house where we agreed to meet (she never did) nor waiting for a boring class to end just so you could go to your appointment (which happens to have been cancelled without you knowing about it beforehand). Just waiting, in general.

I think I’ve subjected myself to this game for a long time and it’s just tiring to never see the end of it, to still not hear that long, thundering buzzer sound off, followed by someone, “Game over!”

It would be nice to not have my hopes up and expect from people to keep their word and then get disappointed in the end. I hate it; not keeping one’s word is probably number one on my list of pet peeves. But I’m digressing.

The economy of give and take is supposed to be exercised and executed fairly, with both parties doing their part. We talk about that, although I’m not quite sure whether we take it seriously. We’re supposed to give as much as we take. But I don’t think that’s what’s happening. I know it’s just a tiny concern, a request, but I just hope you learn to keep your word. When you say you will show up, please do. If you won’t (or at least if you’re iffy about it), tell me in advance so I won’t go around waiting for you, and rejecting people from taking that lone empty table.

Anger is such a weird feeling. I now realize how important it is to not bottle up one’s feelings. By the time it snowballs, you’re in danger of exploding, disintegrating.

But please, let me be angry sometimes.

Immature and Premature

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I think I’m finally jumping off the ship.

It’s funny how this blog has been witness to the sort-of “love story” that we almost-had-but-never-really-happened. I wrote a blog on when we first had our serious conversation, when I got to learn about you and when I told you the most that I could about myself, the parts I thought I was ready to reveal to you.

And now, we’re here.

I understand that you were stressed when you told me that we shouldn’t talk that much anymore. Also, I had sensed that the tons of people teasing and joking about us would, somehow, take its toll on you. I was right. It did. And this is the aftermath.

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I did get hurt. Maybe because it would cause a ripple in our relationship–whatever that is–and I was afraid that that would happen. I was liking the good times that we had and I wanted it to continue until, eventually, maybe, you’ll come around, come to your senses.

Maybe it’s my fault, too. You did call me that same night and tell me that it’s supposed to be a show–us not talking to each other–so people would eventually stop doing what they’re doing and maybe leave us in peace. I agreed to that, yes. We would still text each other in secret. That was the plan. But you know how plans don’t really work out the way we want them to.

Here’s where I come in. I didn’t follow our plan. I eventually distanced myself from you and stopped our contact with each other. But I thought I was doing the right thing. I was getting too attached. I began to wonder if you’d still text me if you didn’t really need to ask me on what to do with that website you’re making or to help you with your application. I was wondering if you’d miss me, if you’d notice when I’m gone. It’s cliche and corny. It’s selfish, I know. But I think I just needed to know that this thing that we have, friendship or whatever it is, is not just about us needing each other for something.

So now, I think I’m maybe jumping the ship. We’re not doing anything. You’re not doing anything. Things aren’t the same anymore. Maybe I’m assuming or expecting too much but I can’t feel that you want that thing back, that you want us to be close again.

I know you’re going through a lot right now so I hope you’ll eventually find the strength I know you have within you to survive all of those. You know I’m always here. I will always be. Maybe, not as someone you might be together with, but as your friend. I have accepted that fate already.

If you read this, I’m thankful that I’m the first one you tell your problems to. It’s a privilege and a great feeling that you trust me a lot. I’m sorry if I find it difficult to open up and do the same to you. I guess I’m not that kind of person. I’m still working on it, though. Whether it’s really true that you like her or not, I hope that you do get over her. You deserve someone great.

They say time heals everything. I hope it does. I hope this time that we’ll have will do us good, help us understand the things we didn’t understand before. Until then, let’s just enjoy being friends. You know I’ll always love hanging out with you. It’s weird how comfortable I am whenever I’m with you. Also, I hope we find luck in love. That’s the common thing we wished for, right?

The best of luck to both of us. Cheer up.

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Because for me, saying that you can’t trust me anymore is just as good as saying that you’re mad at me. Okay, maybe not that much but still. I guess trust is such an important part of a relationship–be it a friendship or whatever kind or form–and I hate it how I made you feel like I broke your trust in me. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

Or maybe, this is just me, overthinking and making a big deal out of things. Things don’t really translate well over SMS. I wish we could’ve talked. Then again, I wouldn’t know how I’d react.

In a way, it’s good that I’m not there. Maybe this is what we need, what I need, to sort things out and figure out what we really want and don’t want to happen. Maybe you’ll miss me. Maybe we’ll grow apart. Time can only tell, which is, around two weeks. I hope we use this time wisely.

+1

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Felt like doing a Oh-no-I’m-gonna-be-a-Senior-in-a-few-weeks Post after reading all the updates from my friends who just graduated.

The thought of entering my 4th year in college is still surreal to me. Who’d have thought that I would get this far? I entered Ateneo an AMF/Applied Math-Finance major and, hopefully, I will graduate it a MIS/Management in Information Systems major (and a Creative Writing minor).

I know shifting is probably one of the best decisions I made in college. I think I talked about it a few times here (and in my other accounts). Things are better now in a lot of ways. Before, I was very scared and hesitant to do it, thinking that it might just be a phase I was going through. In the end, I jumped ship. That was when I learned one thing: it’s okay to take risks. Look at what’s happening now.

With Senior year fast approaching, I can’t help but think that shit’s getting real. Friends would be applying for jobs, we’d all be signing up for yearbook photoshoots, and, hopefully, we’d all survive whatever hell academics would throw at us.

Then again, I’m extending another year. It’s just sad how I won’t be able to graduate with my friends. Instead of with them, I’ll probably be cheering for them at the side, like a proud mom (I sound pathetic and cheesy haha). I just wish we could all do it together.

Anyway, JUNIOR YEAR WAS VERY INTERESTING. Finally got to start on my (new) major subjects along with the ones for my minor. I love it. I got to have the best of both worlds–programming and writing. I still have a long way to go and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me. Cheers to Junior year!

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